Diary of a Mad Woman with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Trying To Get Pregnant

DEC. 29, 1998: Started my second round of Clomid (50-mgs). Baby making frustrations puts a crimp in the baby/love making process.

January 28, 1999: Started my third round of Clomid 50-mgs.

February 22, 1999: Dr.M suggests a post-coital test during my ovulation.

March 10: Had post-coital test. The sperm swims in my cervical mucus. Dr. M suggests insemination during my next ovulatory cycle in April.

April 07: Today is the day! I had an LH surge yesterday and was inseminated today. Found out today that 20,600 live babies were born as a result of Assited Reproduction Technology (this includes IVF and Artifical Insemination). See Center for Disease Control website,/www.cdc.gov/, for more info.

April 19: Took pregnancy test this morning. No baby. Husband looked at me all morning as though I might slit my wrists. Took all my strength to go to work. How come I can't get pregnant?

April 19-May 29: Took a breather from "baby making" this month. Other factors influenced our decision. The main one was to rebuild my emotional foundation which was shattered when the insemination didn't take. Also started suffering more side effects of the Clomid. Not only did I get hot flashes, I experienced full body itches, red splotches on my stomach, and the mood swings became much more apparent.

May 24: Physical reveals that glucose tolerance levels are now normal.

June 1: Started 7th round of Clomid. Trying again. Only 4 more months left on Clomid. Can't take it for more than a year w/o increasing chances of cervical cancer.

July 6-11: Finished off 8th round of Clomid. Didn't really try too much to get pregnant in June or July. It's taking too much of a mental toll to keep trying with constant failure every month.

July 12: Couldn't get tickets to a concert. I got so frustrated that I threw a temper tantrum and cried of a half hour straight. I felt like I was loosing my mind, in the midst of a mental break down.

July 13: Started seeing my therapist, her main patients are women who suffer from infertility. Realized that I stopped dealing with the pain of not becoming pregnant on a monthly basis, and substituted it with worshiping a rock star. Realized how much my reproductive organs are related to my own sense of self-worth and sexual identity. "If I can't get pregnant, am I really woman?' Husband finally realizes the depth of my desire to become a Mommy.

July 30: Hoping by some grace of God that I'm pregnant. Noticed that my cycles are growing longer. I wonder if this means the Clomid is starting to fail. August and September I try harder. Still hard to get up in the morning knowing that I'm still not a mom.

August 23: Period is way late. I stopped counting days. There's been no ovulation peaks in my chart and I am afraid that the Clomid has failed. I have a gyn appt. in a couple of weeks. Husband and I decided to wait to have a baby. Found out that he's not as upset on a monthly basis when I'm not pregnant. Is mostly upset that I'm upset. I thought it be best we wait to try until he can also feel as disappointed as I do when we fail. Been a month in therapy. Afraid to go to a support group because 1. I haven't been trying as long and 2. in the end I'm alone in my pain and body.

September 8, 1999: Saw my gynecologist. I was also on the 8th day of what would turn out to be a 15-day period (probably a side effect of not having my period since July). Told gyn that I was stopping the Clomid and waiting to get pregnant. It was very hard to do. However, I felt betrayed that he felt the same as my husband. "You're still young enough to try later." I was angry, but still like my gyn. Dr. M. suggests that I take a low dosage of birth control pills to regulate my period as the Clomid did if my periods do not come regularly on their own within three months.