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Diary of a Mad Woman with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Trying To Get Pregnant
Diary of A Madwoman Trying to Get Pregnant, page 3
Continue on to Page 2 of Diary
Diary of A Madwoman Trying to Get Pregnant, page 3
The Diary of a Madwoman Trying to Have a Baby, page 4
Year 2006
My Original PCOS Story
Mourning My Miscarriage--a New York Times article


Jan. 2003: I have a spontaneous period. It is my first since I had my period chemically induced in October. However, nothing can be done while I prep for surgery.
Feb. 5, 2003: I have my gallbladder removed and begin a six-week recovery before trying to conceive again.

March 2003: Nearly six-weeks post op and I have a spontaneous period. My husband and I decide to start the clomid again. I walk no thin line between emotions. I am 100% scared; 100% worried; and 100% ready to give up.
March 2003, cycle day 14: I have an lh-surge and I'm excited. Ovulation is not far away yet I start spotting.

April 07, 2003, cycle day 29: I visit my gyn because the mid-cycle spotting/bleeding has not stopped. The lowest dose of Clomid has overstimulated my ovaries and several eggs were released. My endometrium lining is extra thick, which either means that my period is due or I may be in the earliest stages of pregnancy. I'm wait for the blood results. I warn my husband not to be optimistic about a pregnancy. Secretly, I'm excited. I ovulated! Heck...I over-ovulated. lol.

April 7-10: It's been a roller coaster week that ends in sadness. The blood tests come back and on Tuesday I'm told I'm pregnant. I get another blood test on Wednesday and I'm told on Thursday that my hcG (pregnancy hormones) aren't doubling but dropping. I've experienced a "chemical pregnancy," which is technically a miscarriage before week 8. I'm devastated.

Q: What is a chemical pregnancy?

A: A chemical pregnancy is another word for a very early miscarriage or spontaneous abortion. It's a pregnancy that has been confirmed by a pregnancy test (either blood or urine), but there are no other significant clinical signs of the pregnancy and there is nothing seen on ultrasound. The urine pregnancy test is often "faintly" positive or blood hCg levels are very low and don't increase appropriately.

It is believed that fertilization occurs, but that the egg has died shortly after implantation.Using beta-hCg blood testing, a woman can test positive for pregnancy as early as 1-2 days before a menstrual period is missed, usually 11 or 12 days after conception. Although the blood test can detect a very low hCg level that indicates pregnancy a few days before a period, two to three days later, a period may start. Without the test, most women would never have known they were briefly pregnant. A chemical pregnancy happens much more frequently than most people expect, probably up to 30-40% of all pregnancies end up in a chemical pregnancy, and without testing most women will not find out about it. If the pregnancy develops several more weeks into a sac but without an embryo, that's called a 'blighted ovum'.--

May 11, 2003--Mother's Day: Since my first miscarriage in 2000, I've quietly longed to be recognized on Mother's Day because in my heart I was a mother. This year, my husband bought me a solitary rose and some words of encouragement. He remembered. It was a speceial day. Where would I be without his support?

May 16, 2003: Today I get my period. It appears that my cycles are now running around 36 days long, which pleases me somewhat. I did not get an LH surge when I tested on days 14-19, but I could have very well miscalculated since my period arrived on day 36.  Will be starting Clomid cycle 3 in 5 days. Not looking forward to the mood swings and hot flashes, both which are getting worse.

September 25, 2003: I'm at the end of what has been a very emotionally draining week. On September 15th, I took a pregnancy teset (HPT) that was negative. On September 20th, at the urging of my husband, I took another one. There were 2 lines. One extremely faint, so I wrote it off as being negative. "I'm not getting my hopes up," I told myself. On September 21st, I took another HPT and got two lines again. One was faint, but darker than the day before. I immediately contacted my gyn.

My gyn, Dr. M., tells me that it's okay to come in for a blood pregnancy test that Monday although I had faint lines. The HPT in the gyn's office was positive albeit with the faint lines. On Tuesday, Sept. 23, I'm told that my HCG levels are 145 which is in the range of woman considered to be 5 weeks pregnant. (Or 1 week late.) I go back again for another blood test on Wednesday to make the numbers are doubling.. They are! On Thursday I am told that my HGC level is at 337, and progesterone level is 15. I'm off for an early pregnancy detection sonogram.

The sonogram doctor tells me he can't see anything but that's probably because it's too early too see anything. He tells me not to worry, because my numbers are doubling. (So far a viable pregnancy). He tells me to get my blood tested one more time and come back in a week, when my numbers are sure to be in the thousands.

Emotionally I am wrecked. I was originally angry, because I thought I was being built up for another chemical pregnancy. Then I was scared because I didn't know if this pregnancy was going to stick. Then I got nervous because...just because. All these feelings wrapped up together has made me feel very meloncholy. I'm not grieving my lost children. It's like I'm grieving this pregnancy in advance, so it doesn't hurt if the worst happens. Everyone in my online support group, my mom, and my husband are dumping loads of prayer and good vibes on me. The rational side says "this time is for real," but the irrational side keeps saying "It ain't real yet."

I've decided to wait 2 more weeks before I tell anyone else about the pregnancy, just to be on the safe side. I told hubby he could tell if he wanted to. I didn't want to be superstitious with this pregnancy.

I'll let you know how the 2nd songoram and third blood test turns out next week.

My Husband's Words of Wisdom from the Bible: "Remember Philippians 4:6-7: 'Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.'"

October 3, 2003, Friday: Today my husband and I went to the gyn's office to have our pregnancy medically terminated. Once my HCG numbers reached 2,624, my gyn and the sonogram specialist was able to find my baby. It was a tiny life wedged in my left fallopian tube. I was given the drug Methotrexate to "dissolve" the pregnancy. It was still early enough and was pretty much asympotic on the day they discovered the baby. This way, I don't have to worry about surgery scarring my tubes.

It all started simply enough when last Sunday (Sept. 28), I noticed some dark discharge. My gyn told me not to worry and that it was normal. Three hours later, I had more discharge which looked like dark blood and mild cramping. At the emergency room, my hCG levels come back at 2,070 and nothing can be seen on the sonogram. They call it a threatened miscarriage, and tell me to go home on bedrest until my gyn notices a trend.

Through out the week, I remain in bed actively bleeding. Most of the time, it is "old blood" as the emergency room gyn called it. (Blood that wasn't coming out of the uterus.) I have another sonogram on Tuesday after I'm struck with severe pain on my left side and some bright red bleeding. Still no baby to detect in the uterus, but the doctors are sure I am pregnant. My numbers are still high. On Thursday, I arrive at the hospital to get my final sonogram of the week. That is when the baby is discovered.

My husband and I are very sad. He doesn't  hate God, but is feeling angry toward him. I'm feeling a certain betrayl as though God hasn't heard all of our prayers over the last five years. We decided that we are through trying to have a baby, and look toward adopting. I'm hoping the Employee Assistance Program at my job can guide me through. I'll take any baby under 3 years old. I'm also willing to adopt an older sibling.