2000-2002
JAN. 2000: Started taking birth control pills.
June 2000:
Started Clomid again.
June 25, 2000: OH MOTHER OF GOD!!! I'M PREGNANT. I took 2
home pregnancy tests last night and they were positive. I am having a baby. Making an appointment to see GYN.
August
15, 2000: My second ultrasound at 12 weeks reveals that I was carrying twins, one that was hidden four weeks earlier. The
babies died during my 8.5 week of pregnancy--"a missed abortion." I had no symptoms of a miscarriage between doctor visits.
I have surgery to remove them (a D&C). Cause of the miscarriage is thought to be chromosonal. Women who have PCOS and
take Clomid do increase their chances for miscarrying. My mind is now caught in a constant memory loop. The day when I showed
my husband the 2 positive pregnancy tests, and the day when my gyn tells us our babies have died. The happiest and the saddest
days of our lives.
OCTOBER 26 2000: The pain that my husband and I share starts to lessen although
it will always be there. I still lapse into bouts of anger and sadness with the intense desire to know why my babies were
taken away.
DEC. 25, 2000: Five days after resuming Clomid therapy. Notice LH surge. Babymaking sex
resumes again. It's much more difficult than ever. I hope for quick results this time. Online support group helps me through
a very difficult time.
JAN. 22, 2001: Just finished 2nd round of Clomid and waiting for LH
surge. Very difficult to try again in light of having unresolved feelings about the miscarriage. A friend recommends the book
"Trying Again" by Ann Douglas. I check out the online site www.fertilityfriend.com, which assists in BBT charting and analysis.
MAR. 11, 2001: After three months of taking Clomid at 50mg, it appears that I'm not ovulating with
this amount despite positive lh surges. Having a blood test to measure the amount of progesterone in my system after ovulation.
If there is a high amount, I believe, it means that I've ovulated. The next three rounds of Clomid I take will be at 100mg
and if that doesn't work, my doctor wants to move on to injectibles.
The baby making dance is much harder now since
the miscarriage. It's still very hard to get past. Online support groups have been extremely helpful.
March
2001: The baby making dance has stopped for now. Not sure when it will continue again. Too much emotional luggage
to attempt it anymore. Will be starting birth control pills (bcp) as soon as period starts. Last entry for a while.
June
2001: As the 1st anniversary of finding out I was pregnant approaches, I find myself still in a high state emotional
turmoil. My husband and I continue to try and find peace & joy after the miscarriage. It is hard, because it has changed
who we originally were and what we were to each other. Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel goes out.
I'm
still on birth control pills and will continue to be until my husband I can reach that place where we can think about having
children again.
Mid-June 2001: After a suicide attempt, I am diagnosed with being depressed and spend time in a mental
hospital. I am emotionally worse off than I thought. I think I'm truly crazy.
June 23, 2001: After returning home, I've decided that I do not want to get pregnant.
I can not go through the frustration, the risk, or the servere disappointment again. When I do decide to have children, I
will most likely adopt a child. In the meantime, I'm going to just enjoy me for me. I do not have to be defined by my ability
or disability to get pregnant. My prayers are with those of you still trying.
October 20, 2001: I discover that I am pregnant by some weird fluke of coming off
of the birth control pills. I've become pregnant without the aide of ovulation predictor kits, Clomid, insemination or temperature
taking. My husband and I call this our miracle baby.
Jan. 2002: The first trimester is over. My husband and I are thrilled to have
passed the point of miscarriage. We tingle with excitement and joy over having a baby.
Feb. 5, 2002: We discover we are having a boy.
Feb. 12, 2002: We reach 20 weeks. Halfway there.
Feb. 19th, 2002: An ultrasound discovers I have a short cervix. The next day I am
admitted to the hospital and have a purse string stitch put into my cervix. I am already 2 cms dilated. I am told that I will
have to remain in the hospital for the next several weeks on strictest bedrest. Anything to save my son.
Feb. 24th, 2002: The weight of my membranes is too much for the stitch, and it tears.
My water is broken and I am fully dilated. After a five hour labor, our son is born 19 weeks premature. He can not survive
outside the womb, and is still born.
Feb. 28th, 2002: We're still too numb to feel anything. I can tell my story with
a straight face, and begin my 8 week disability leave to recover from a "vaginal birth." All the pain of labor without the
reward. Where do we go from here? How am I expected to go through this yet again?
April 17, 2002: I've started my period today without the aid of any medication.
I'm thrilled yet extremely saddened by the reminder that I'm no longer pregnant and that we have to try again. On the one
hand, it will be good if I get my period on it's own in regular intervals because it will allow us to pinpoint ovulation.
On the other hand, I'm not sure if I'm ready to start taking the temps, testing cervical mucous, and using ovulation predictor
kits again. I'm hoping that we get pregnant again by surprise without all the hassle like the last time. Then I hope for a
healthy baby as the result. Pregnancies should not end in death.
September 7th, 2002: In a week, I will be 30 years old. I feel like getting pregnant
will become even harder now. Next month, if I'm not pregnant, we will start with the Clomid again. My gyn gave us 6
months of trying on our own. I pray for a baby everyday. Work is unbearable. All the women who got pregnant around the same
time as me bring their newborns to the office. I hold the babies with a strange sense of comfort and then I deliver them right
back to their mothers as an overwhelming sadness consumes. Just holding that little life in my arms fills me with an incredibly
sense of longing and satisfication. Why does it have to be like this and so hard? I'm still rooting for all of you.
October 2002: We begin trying to have a baby again, and I start taking Clomid
50 mgs after having my period induced. There is no ovulation or following period during this cycle.
November 2002: I find out that I have gallstones and I need to have my gallbladder
removed. Another hurdle.
